Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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