She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
