And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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