for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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