This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize