I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize