I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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