You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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