My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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