Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize