Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
