woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
