So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize