girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
