I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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