every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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