and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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