She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize
