I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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