I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
