Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
