Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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