my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
