You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize