just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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