She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
