Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
