He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
