I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
