Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
