apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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