What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Randomize
