i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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