btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She bit a glass in half.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
