No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
