I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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