I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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