I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
