Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
