You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you mean i was at the winter classic?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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