Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
