Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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