i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
