now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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