Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
