dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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