This is not my ceiling
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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