i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
