hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
