I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
