No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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