Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Randomize
