I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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