oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
