me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize