There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
