Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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