We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
