If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize