i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
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