Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
