you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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