so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize