there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You're earring is so big in my mouth
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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